He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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