I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
