I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
