The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
