the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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