Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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