the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
