I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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