there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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