Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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