I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
