its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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