Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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