Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
