he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize