You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
