I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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