piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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