Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
