On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
