My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
