that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
