Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
