i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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