I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
