Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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