it was like his penis was on wheels.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
where are my eyebrows?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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