That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
