rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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