he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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