You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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