I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
