I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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