I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
