I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
