So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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