I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
