At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
