Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
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