You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
