I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
