I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
