sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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