the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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