who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize