ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
