I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
