I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i wish my penis had a tongue
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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