Life is so much better after having sex.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
