remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
