I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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