maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
