I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
