I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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